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How Do I Parent My Strong-Willed Child?
The short answer is – by being a strong-willed parent! Too many parents are weak-willed and allow the stubbornness of their child to discourage them from their task of parenting. While I certainly understand that some kids can test the limits of even the most committed parent, the simple truth is – you are still the parent, and that “future leader” of yours desperately needs you to be in charge – whether they seem to like it or not! They need relationship; they need boundaries; they need consistency; and…they need creativity.
How to build relationship
This takes both quality and quantity time. Someone has rightly observed that the way you spell love is, T.I.M.E. I realize that this is not a popular message in a culture where exhausted parents are so busy. Again, someone has wisely pointed out that busyness may be an indication that you are Bound Under Satan’s Yoke! If hearing this makes you “squirm” a bit, please understand that it’s not intended to discourage or condemn, but rather, to challenge. The simple truth is ALL of us have a tendency to get our priorities “out of whack”! A little self-evaluation is perfectly healthy and even necessary in family life, because we are prone to distraction. We often substitute what is best for that which seems good. Here is a list of ideas that may help return some balance to your parenting, while building relationship with your child:
- Address their physical needs. Make sure that your child is living a healthy lifestyle with a good, balanced diet, plenty of exercise and rest. Maintain an additional balance of hard work (chores) and hard play! Keep in mind that children do need an outlet for all of that boundless, God-given energy and creativity. I believe that some of what passes today as “ADHD”-like behavior may simply be kids acting like kids!
Note: I say this respectfully and with full awareness that there are, no doubt, some situations where a child may have genuine medical issues. In such cases, medical solutions would be in order. If you suspect this to be the case, get your child in for a physical evaluation. However, even in such cases, your child-training techniques should also be addressed.
- Stop “entertaining” them to death! Turn off the T.V. and video games, play interactive games, and do more “hands on” activities together that facilitate conversation and the building of relationship.
- Adjust your expectations up or down, as necessary. Some parents are simply ignorant about what their child is capable of. Kids are usually capable of a lot more than we give them credit for, but it means that we must take the time to teach and train. On the other hand, you may be demanding something of them that they simply aren’t ready for. How do you know which way to adjust your expectations? If you are a parent of fairly young children, one of the simplest ways might be to talk with an older, more experienced parent. However, there is just no substitute for consistent training. You must spend time doing things together, being intentional about teaching your child. As you do, you will get a good idea of what their true needs and abilities are.
- Be patient in the process of training. Many parents unrealistically expect their child to automatically behave themselves just because they “said so”! Telling a strong-willed child to behave isn’t enough. Don’t waste precious time and energy being the threatening and repeating parent. You have to back up your instruction with clear boundaries, training, and discipline. Boundaries protect and define your child’s freedom. Training gives them the consistent and much-needed practice at doing what’s right. Discipline helps them learn from life. They experience consequences that instill character and teach life skills when they’ve done what’s wrong.
- Do chores together with them. Discuss the values of being a good worker, as well as the benefits and satisfaction of a job well done. Much of what I learned from my mother while growing up, I learned as we simply talked about life while working side-by-side. This is how she passed on her values and wisdom, and much of the time, probably without even knowing it! It’s true – often times “Idle hands are the devil’s workshop”. By working together with your strong-willed child, you keep their minds and bodies busy in positive and productive ways, protecting them from temptations that abound when they are “bored”. Furthermore, the Bible teaches that “…perseverance…leads to proven character” (Rom. 5:1-2). Sometimes the perseverance and proven character (e.g. willingness to cooperate) that your child needs is best learned through hard work. Sometimes it is enjoyable, other times it’s not, but either way – it provides a wonderful training ground for that child who is a challenge.
- Give them age-appropriate responsibility & freedom. This is especially important for building character, confidence, and trust in your child. Freedom and responsibility go together. This gives your child a sense of adventure and hope for their future. It also builds relationship over time because it communicates “I believe in you” to your child.
- Praise them for what they do well, but avoid mere “flattery”. Sometimes, in an effort to give positive affirmation, parents go “overboard” with too much praise and it only tempts a child to be more selfish and demanding. On the other hand, your kids need to hear that you are pleased with them. “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver” (Proverbs 25:11).
- Praise them for good character more than performance. Examples might be: self-control, kindness, sensitivity, hard work, gentleness, honesty, contentment, gratitude, cooperation, and responsibility. Rather than focusing on things like “Straight A’s”, you might say something like,“Wow! That’s excellent, honey! These grades reflect that you not only understand your subjects in school, but you understand the importance of hard work and responsibility. You are really growing up! With that kind of attitude, you will do well in life.”
- Practice doing things for others. Observe and discuss how people respond when we are kind, considerate and gentle toward them. The joy and gratitude of others when we do what’s right is a reward in itself. Though strong-willed children often seem not to care about what others think (and, in fact, at first, they may not) – practice doing the right thing, over time, will influence what they believe in their hearts. Eventually, they learn (through consistent training) to care, and find joy in doing so.
- Give regular physical affection. Sometimes this means holding your child in your lap while quietly rocking them in your favorite chair. Other times, silliness, tickling, or “horsey rides” are just what a strong-willed child needs. Probably, a bit of both are necessary. For older kids, it might be a gentle back scratch while you pray for them and tuck them into bed at night, or a spontaneous shoulder rub while they’re sitting at the computer doing their homework. Some kids leave the impression that they don’t want or need any kind of healthy touch or affection. Depending upon the child, and their experiences in life, you may have to respect certain “boundaries”; however, in most cases a strong-willed child (or any child, for that matter) needs regular displays of affection. It contributes to their overall sense of security and well-being. For some, the lack of physical affection is part of the reason they are acting out in negative ways for attention.
- Read, listen to, and tell stories to them. For young ones, allow them some freedom to move as long as they are listening, and aren’t doing things to be obnoxious or overly distracting. Choose colorful, interesting stories and characters with exciting plots and good themes. A terrific resource on CD that we’ve enjoyed over the years is the “Adventures in Odyssey” series from Focus on the Family. Include true stories from your own life! These will become great teaching tools as your children grow, but they also help build trust and relationship.
- Prepare and enjoy meals together. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, and don’t make a big deal of “messes”. It’s been said, “More meals are ruined at the table than at the stove.” Remember, “We don’t cry over spilled milk”, and manners, though important, shouldn’t be the main focus at mealtime. Make a big deal of what they prepare, even if it’s not quite “gourmet”! I recommend “Google” as a resource for spontaneous “knock-knock” jokes and other funny stories that you can bring to the dinner table. The point is – make mealtimes fun! It will get your kids talking, and ultimately help build closeness in family life.
- Enjoy and laugh with your children! Hint: part of this has to do with your attitude; the other part has to do with your training. You only have one shot at raising your kids – don’t miss it! Every parent faces a set of challenges. Don’t let those challenges steal your joy, but rather, embrace them. Furthermore, if you are lazy in the training department, don’t be surprised if your children aren’t very enjoyable to be around. Well-trained children are easy to enjoy, and joyful, attentive parents are much easier to obey and honor.
- Have a regular, special bedtime routine. Read the Bible to them at bedtime, pray together, and tuck them in. This is a great time for snuggles, kisses and hugs, and back scratches. Honestly, some of my most precious moments as a father, have come during this time. I wouldn’t trade it for world, and it’s sad to me that so many parents miss this opportunity to connect with their child’s heart.
- Have regular “Family Nights”. Depending on the family schedule, this might work out to be each week or once a month, but do something on a regular basis where you carve out time to simply be together as a family. Play games, make cookies or pop-corn, and watch movies with good, redemptive themes. When it comes to games, our personal family favorite is “Hide-n-Seek” in the dark! A bit risky, but good times for sure!
- Step into your child’s world. Take time to notice what they enjoy, and set aside time every so often to simply do that with them – even if it’s not something you particularly enjoy. It communicates honor and builds relationship. It says, “I value you”. If you’ve never done this, it might be just the thing that helps your strong-willed child begin to open up and become more cooperative. Remember, it’s all about relationship.
How to set boundaries
- Evaluate and adjust (where necessary) your own life’s example. Pay attention to the “freedoms” you have, which may actually be compromises that confuse your child. The point is – don’t live a life of inconsistency or hypocrisy. If you want your child to share your values, then demonstrate values worth sharing! This will give you much more credibility in their eyes when you set boundaries for them. When parents adopt a “Do as I say, not as I do” approach to parenting, they foolishly provoke their children to anger, and ultimately train them to live by that same double-standard.
- Develop a plan that is both flexible and timeless. The plan needs to be flexible in the sense that it can be adjusted or “customized” to fit the needs of each child as they grow. Obviously, boundaries have to be changed as our children enter new stages and demonstrate maturity in different areas of life. However, the plan also needs to be timeless in the sense that it is rooted in biblical principles. God’s nature doesn’t change, nor does the truth in His Word. Our parenting plan should always be, in one way or another, a reflection of how God “parents” us. As already mentioned, strong-willed kids need stronger-willed parents! This simply means that we remain anchored in God’s Word, and vigilant in our commitment to represent Him in all that we do. Be as gentle as possible, but as firm as necessary!
- Write down some simple family rules. Post them in a visible place for quick, easy reference and reminders – for you and the kids. I recommend a short list of rules that “covers all the bases”. For example: 1. Obey and honor. 2. Be Kind. 3. Respect others. These rules form an “umbrella” that nearly all behaviors and attitudes will fit under. Keep in mind, rules without relationship lead to rebellion.
Note: Help your children understand their basic job description biblically: obey & honor (Eph. 6:1-3). Obedience demonstrates respect for the parent’s position of authority. Honor demonstrates value for the person in authority. Obedience deals with behavior while honor deals with the heart of your child.
- Have a Family Meeting. Clearly communicate any changes or new direction you are making as a family. It’s unfair to “change the rules in the middle of the game”. Keep the meeting short and simple, while fostering a sense of “teamwork” and family identity. Help them understand how these changes will both honor God and bless each member of the family. Give kids the opportunity to share, but don’t allow them to manipulate, intimidate, or distract you from your goal.
How to maintain consistency
There are two factors that have the greatest influence on whether or not you keep this “cardinal rule” of parenting. The first one is your relationship with Christ; the second is your own personal discipline.
When it comes to parenting a strong-willed child, your willingness to persevere must be motivated by something or Someone greater than yourself. The Bible reassures you that God has given youeverything you need for the task at hand (2 Peter 1:3-4). However, the supernatural resources the Lord promises are available only as you are rightly related to Him.
It is only as you nurture your relationship with Him (through regular prayer and meditation in His Word) that you will find the resources you need to be an effective parent. You don’t need another “checklist” of things to do! Your greatest need is Jesus Himself, and your ability to faithfully love and train your strong-willed child depends upon whether or not you are abiding in Christ. The plain truth is, apart from Him, we can do nothing (John 15:5)!
Assuming a right relationship with Christ, the next issue becomes a matter of simple obedience, and this means personal discipline. The Bible exhorts you, “…exercise yourself toward godliness” (1 Timothy 4:7). This means that your priorities must line up with God’s priorities. It means the way you spend your time, energy and resources must be in keeping with God’s Word. It means that you choose to obey Him even when you don’t feel like it. It is only as you are disciplined in your mindset and approach to parenting that you will find yourself providing the consistency that your children need.
How to parent creatively
My personal experience has been that creativity is at least as important as consistency in the process of parenting. The humbling, and sometimes startling truth is – each child is unique! Anyone who has more than one child has marveled at just how different each one is. We ask ourselves, “Did this child really come from our DNA?” So, what are some creative ideas for parenting the so-called “strong-willed” child?
Creative Idea #1: Train up your child in the way he should go…
This means pay attention to your child’s personality, temperament, and interests; in short, notice the way God has made him or her. Too many times, out of our own convenience, we attempt to fit this particular child into the same “mold” as their sibling(s) or peers. Don’t be afraid, or too lazy, to try new things and explore what makes this kid “tick”! Just because you and your first 2 or 3 kids enjoy sports, doesn’t mean that this child is going to. Maybe God has gifted them musically, artistically, or intellectually in ways that will require a different investment of your time, energy, and resources. Be flexible and teachable on this point, and let them stretch you into new areas of discovery.
In a similar way, some kids are outgoing and confident, while others seem to hold back, needing some time to observe things a bit and that’s okay. Without “coddling” them, give them a little more space and time. Be patient while encouraging them to try new things. There’s no question that this takes more time, thoughtfulness, energy, and perhaps even the help of others, but it will be worth it in the end. God didn’t make a mistake with this child! If you have a child who “broke the mold” – you can be sure it is by God’s design. Undoubtedly, He’s using this child to teach you some things, so pay attention. Very likely, this is the child you will be most indebted to in heaven because they kept you on your knees, humble before God, constantly aware of your need for His grace!
Creative Idea #2: Enlist the help of others
If you are a Christian, one of the greatest gifts you have is being part of God’s family. You have a real advantage over most parents since you are already surrounded by others who share your spiritual values, and have walked the parenting path ahead of you. They are some of the most valuable, yet overlooked resources available to parents these days. There is no good reason that you have to wonder aimlessly in your parenting journey. Take advantage of the wisdom and experience of others. You will be blessed!
If you don’t already have a parenting support group or ministry at your church, it may be that God would use you to start one! The good news is you don’t have to “reinvent the wheel”! I recommend that you check out the National Center for Biblical Parenting website: www.biblicalparenting.org for more information on how to start an Effective Parenting Support Group. They have all the resources necessary to get you started.
Parents are often encouraged to find that others have dealt with the very same challenges they are facing, and have discovered solutions they are more than happy to share. Likewise, it is rewarding to help others with the wisdom you have gained in life. There is a wealth of creativity and wisdom, not to mention prayer support, when parents gather together with a common goal of becoming more effective parents. This is a wise investment of your time, energy, and resources.
Creative Idea #3: Take advantage of proven parenting resources
There is so much good material out there for parents who are willing to do a little homework, and you don’t have to spend tons of time and money! I recommend the following ministries and their websites:
- The National Center for Biblical Parenting – www.biblicalparenting.org
- www.successfulstepfamilies.com
- Sheridan House Family Ministries – www.sheridanhouse.org
- Shepherding a Child’s Heart (Book) – Tedd Tripp
- No Greater Joy Ministries – www.nogreaterjoy.org
- Grace Based Parenting (Book) – Tim Kimmel
- www.familymatters.net
- Doorpost Ministries – www.doorposts.com
- Sacred Parenting (Book) – Gary Thomas
About the Author
Jon Sanné is a Presenter for the National Center for Biblical Parenting, and the Family Life Pastor at Calvary Chapel in Olympia, WA, where he has served for the past 16 years. He believes that the family is God’s training ground for both parents and children as they learn and grow together in everyday life. Although there is no such thing as a perfect parent, Jon will share how you can be asuccessful one!
