I Want to Get Married, But . . .
I am in love with a fine young man, but if I go ahead with our plans it will break the heart of my parents. To what extent is one obligated to parents?
The Bible teaches everywhere that we are to honor our parents, but it does not teach that they have the right to control their adult children. There was a period in life when you were directly responsible to them. You were to be obedient in all things. What they have forgotten is that such a relationship does not continue when adulthood is reached. You should still honor them as your parents, but you are not obligated to forego the joy of married life and your own family for them.
But there is another aspect to this problem. We sometimes discover the will of God through giving heed to the counsel of others if they are definitely committed Christians. I am sure you want God's will in the choice of a life partner. Consider carefully their point of view, but then make your decision, seeking the Lord's leading as you do so.
My mother is an invalid with no one to care for her but myself. Recently a fine young man has asked me to marry him, but he doesn't want to take the responsibility of my mother as well. I don't know what to do, and don't know anyone to go to for help but you. Can you make some suggestion?
It would seem to me that this young man who wants to marry you is not a sympathetic person or he would not so quickly refuse to accept any responsibility for your mother. Certainly this is a problem that most young people face in one way or another, but there is such a thing as Christian love and compassion which he seems to lack.
Your decision is not too difficult, for you would want and expect sympathy from your husband, but if he is not so by nature and by God's grace, he will probably be a cold and demanding person to live with. If you were the invalid, and your mother were well, what do you think would be her course of action? You can judge your own that same way.
I presume that you are at least nominally a Christian, though you didn't say so. As such, the Bible teaches that you should be in subjection to your husband (Ephesians 5:22). Should you marry this man, you should only do so if you are willing to live in that relationship, and accept his attitude in this matter as your own.
Certainly I would advise a heart-to-heart talk with your young man — showing him your responsibility and asking him to share it. Then commit the matter to God in prayer.
I am a woman twenty-one years old and in love with a man of thirty-five. He has been married twice and has five children by his first marriage. He says he loves me but won't divorce his wife. He claims that I am his only true love. I love him dearly, but I also have two children. Please help me. Should I forget him or make him take a choice?
My dear, deluded woman! Don't be the third sucker in a trio of suckers. This man is a typical philanderer, and will ruin every life he touches. Don't be deceived by these cooings of true love. That is a trick that has been used by every Don Juan since Adam.
You are young and your whole life is before you. God has given you two children. Better that you go through life without another romance than to make this beast the legal father of your children.
You've had your fling, I take it, although you didn't explain how you became widowed. You have at least had one more romance than most spinsters. Now settle down, grow up, and give the loving care to your children they deserve. Become a Christian, take an active part in the church, and God will compensate you for the tragedy in your life. Who knows, if you act like a lady, you might even find a respectable husband in God's time. But don't get panicky and fall for the first man that comes along.
The man who wants to marry me claims to be a Christian. So I could on that basis marry him. But every now and then he practices deceit, and it troubles me, for I cannot endure deception. Am I safe in marrying him, seeing that he is a Christian?
Just because a person makes the claim that he is a Christian does not necessarily mean that he is so. In fact, when you say this young man uses deception now and then, has it never occurred to you that he may be deceiving you when he makes the claim to a Christian faith?
Truthfulness and honesty are basic in the Christian way. Jesus said once: "I am the way, the truth and the life." In another place he said, "I came to bear witness to the truth." Truth is consistency. If this young man will deceive you in one matter, he may deceive you in many, for he cannot have respect for the truth.
David once confessed to God in his repentance: "Thou desirest truth in the inward parts" (Psalm 51 Verse 6). You can live with many other faults more easily than with dishonesty. By all means avoid it.
I am deeply in love with a young man who is about three years younger than I. He doesn't know my age and I am afraid to tell him. What is my responsibility?
There is no good reason why this should be a limitation on your marital happiness. In fact, statistics have shown that the average wife outlives her husband seven years. It is only a traditional thing that the wife is usually younger but it is known that some very happy marriages have the wife somewhat older than the husband. First, you should not deliberately deceive your friend lest you do much more serious damage to your love. You can gain his deeper love by complete confidence. Second, you should both recognize that love is something more than physical attraction. By making an issue of age, you admit that the physical is most important. There should be a spiritual unity developed in order to assure your happiness. This would depend on your common agreement in religious views. There should be a common field of interest, such as hobbies and recreation. There should be the possession of mutual friends and educational achievements. But more than all, there should be a oneness in Christ.
I am engaged to a fine young man. Since our engagement, I have come to realize that we are not spiritually agreed, and I am very uncertain about living with a person who has little faith in God. Am I doing wrong to break a promise I made in all sincerity if I break the engagement?
I would never advocate the breaking of promises. At the same time, if you go through with your proposed plans for marriage, you are going to make still more binding promises which you will not mean sincerely. If the young man is a man of integrity and decency, he will understand your change of view concerning marriage to him. When he understands that any marriage vow you would make would lack sincerity, and that you would make them only to fulfill your original promise to him, he should certainly release you from your troth.
Should the young man refuse to release you willingly, and he may not, then you must still insist upon your deep convictions as a Christian. In addition to this, your loyalty to Jesus Christ may be the very factor that will bring him to decide for Christ. Certainly your chances of winning him will be lessened after marriage. Make sure of full agreement on such vital matters before you make a life-commitment.
My fiance and I have different religious views. We have talked it over and agreed that he is to follow his religion and I will follow mine. Don't you think we are on safe ground so long as we understand this? We deeply love each other and don't think religion should stand between us. We want your opinion.
My opinion would have to be based upon the plain teaching of the Bible. Your religion certainly shouldn't stand between you, but you do need a mutual faith to hold you together. Either you don't think religion is important or you have no definite convictions. Moreover, what would happen to your marriage if one of you should suddenly get some clear conviction. If you are so sure that your religion need not come between you, why did you inquire? You must have some doubts of your own, and rightfully so. I would urge you strongly to consider Christ and what He offers to hungry and lost hearts. Begin by taking Him as Saviour and Lord. Commit your lives to Him, and I am confident that then you will have a happy marriage that is built upon a firm foundation.
I have seen the difference in religion break up many homes. The Bible warns about "being unequally yoked." Be careful!
I am very fond of a certain young woman in the office where I work. We have had several dates, and I believe she cares for me. What I am not sure of is whether I really love her, and if there is any way that I can assure myself in this matter. Is there some help you can give me?
The popular conception of love as being just some kind of romantic feeling that should not be carefully investigated is very misleading.
It would be well for every young person to move carefully in this area, for it is known that one out of four marriages ends in divorce. It is also known that divorced people have slight chances for solid happiness in any subsequent marriage. I would suggest that you first make sure that you share a mutual faith in Christ. Differences in religious beliefs are among the most persistent problems for couples after marriage, and especially when there are children. Second, I would recommend that you have as many things in common as possible. Your tastes, your friends, your hobbies, your educational experiences will all strengthen the bonds of marriage. Finally, I would urge you to consider the Biblical standard for marriage. If a marriage contains these elements of strength, it will produce more happiness as time goes on, even if the romantic elements are lacking at first. Feelings can deceive us in love even as they can in other areas of life.
I am a young man who is the product of a broken home. I am old enough that it should no longer trouble me, but my problem is that right now I am in love with a young woman who is also from a broken home. Do you think this would in any way influence our happiness in marriage?
All things being equal, it would seem to me that your chances for a happily married life would be very good. Having felt the pain of a broken home, you have probably learned the importance of laying a solid foundation for a home that will remain united and happy. The mistakes of your parents in both instances will serve as warnings for you that you do not fail in the same way.
In making your plans, I would urge you to be utterly frank and open with each other on all things so that no misunderstandings come. Do not base your love on a mutual sympathy because of your unfortunate experiences, but on genuine respect and admiration. Then you should include Christ in your planning. Even though many homes have some degree of marital happiness without Him, there is much that is lacking in any home when Christ is not received and honored. Have your time of worship together, confessing your faults and praying for each other. This will cement your lives to each other and the happiness you seek will be the result of God's blessing and presence.
I am in love with a very fine girl. Morally she is above reproach and socially she is always acceptable. But when I mention religion she flies into a rage. Don't you think this subject should be discussed by two people who are seriously in love?
I certainly do believe that one's relationship to God should be discussed, and that there should be substantial agreement on such matters before you take any final steps toward marriage. What a person believes forms the basis for his conduct and amenability in many other matters. There must be something the girl is ashamed of or embarrassed about or she would not hesitate talking over the matter with you. This very attitude is already a barrier between you. Before you make final arrangements, be sure this barrier is gone. I receive hundreds of letters that indicate that unless two persons are agreed in their religious life they have slight chances for a completely happy life together. If the girl felt that there was agreement in the matter, she would talk openly about it. You have the right to insist upon an open and frank discussion to secure your future happiness and your usefulness under God.
The Bible warns about being "unequally yoked." I would advise breaking off this engagement unless this is settled by her coming to know Christ and entering into the Christian life.
My fiancee is of another faith. Now that we are making definite plans for the wedding we are for the first time meeting with innumerable objections. Should we proceed according to plan in spite of these objections?
You had better settle religious questions before the wedding even if it means a postponement. Your families no doubt waited until the last minute, thinking that you would not go ahead with your plans. You do see that there is a conflict and that there is no ground where you can stand in agreement. Some would advise that you simply agree to disagree, but that is not practical when two people will live as intimately as husband and wife. To have a happy life together, you must have confidence and respect, and you must have substantial agreement in your faith. The Christian loves Christ as well as believes in Him. It is much more than intellectual assent, it is commitment. Therefore, unless you reach a complete agreement, you will be happier to cancel your plans. "Can two walk together except they be agreed?" is always answered with a firm no.
A young man has asked me to marry him. Naturally, I'm quite flattered because he is a man of position, wealth, and physically attractive. However, I am certain that I'm not in love with him. Also, he doesn't seem to be interested in spiritual things. Should I marry him?
No. If marriage is begun with only a materialistic or only a romantic appreciation of its meaning, trouble lies ahead. A marriage founded on the basis you suggest loses its roots within a few weeks after marriage. A marriage founded only on a blind, optimistic affection is shattered as soon as the future brings disagreements and difficulties. There is certainly a definite place for physical desire and romantic affection, but if the relationship of the man and woman is intended to be permanent it must be built on more than either one or both of these. Genuine love is built on respect and spiritual affinity.
Certainly, you should never marry a man who is not interested in spiritual things. I take it from your letter that you are a Christian and that you go regularly to church. This very difference between the two of you will become a matter of severe disagreement in the days to come if you accept his invitation to marriage.
If you do not love him and he shows little spiritual interest, certainly you would be foolish to accept his proposition of marriage. Marriage is something holy, sacred, and spiritual. It should not be entered into lightly. If I were you I would rather die an old maid than to marry under such conditions as you describe. God also says: "Be not unequally yoked together." Certainly you would be entering an unequal yoke in violation of the word of God.
I am very interested in a young woman who comes from one of the society families in our city. She says she is in love with me, and I am with her, but we both are afraid of our social differences. Would you have any advice that would make our decision a wise one?
In America, there should be no such thing as social classes and class distinction. It would be very unwise to marry a woman who did not share your interests, who is either definitely inferior or superior to you in intellect and education. But the greatest blunder would be to marry one who does not understand your religious convictions and who is lacking in complete agreement with you. For lifelong fellowship, there must be many things you share in common. This makes for a rich relationship that is above the physical compatibility you may have. If these factors are present, the social differences are mainly superficial and should not constitute a barrier between you. Discuss these factors with her, and make certain that there is no area of your life or hers from which the other must be shut out. If you can work together, play together and worship together, you have then a workable combination. The question of the Bible is always "Can two walk together except they be agreed?"
I have been reared in a good home in a large city. The young man to whom I have become deeply attached is from a farm in western Kansas. While I think I love him, I do have an inward fear that I might not make a farmer's wife, because I have so little preparation for that calling, and I might not like a farm on those broad and endless prairies.
You will do well to consider every angle of the proposition before coming to a final decision. While love is primarily a matter of the heart, one should also use his head when falling into love. Some young people never count the cost of leaving home, parents, and loved ones to live in some distant place, perhaps under difficult circumstances; with the result that quite quickly they develop a corrosive criticism toward their circumstances. This attitude can be destructive of true marital happiness. On the other hand, it is delightfully true that young hearts can be so wonderfully deep and true that they can be happy with each other and working for each other just anywhere in the world. If you really love this man out of the West, you can be the happiest bride in the world and become the best farmer's wife in western Kansas. Love will teach you your new and unaccustomed duties, and cause the absence of your family to create wider horizons for your outlook in helpfulness to him and to your new neighbors. Settle the matter with finality in your own heart to be completely his, and before long you will have settled down to a little grey home in the west. If you both have Christ, then your happiness is assured under any circumstances.
At fifteen I promised my parents to abstain from liquor. Recently I became engaged to a very interesting man, and he insists that I break my promise. He does not drink to excess himself and we have much in common, but I do not feel that I should break my promise. Should I give in to him?
By all means, no! To begin with, in these days of alcoholism, no respectable fellow should insist on a girl drinking. If he were all that he should be, he would be grateful that you have principles and convictions against alcohol. You say that he does not drink to excess. You should say "Not that you know of." Young women should be wary of a man who drinks, and insists that his sweetheart drink with him. Now, his insistence that you take up drinking may be a test. It is possible that deep down he doesn't want you to, but he wants to see if you can be influenced. No person is less a person because he is an abstainer, but many people degrade themselves by imbibing. To me, the lowest of characters is the person who wants to pull everyone down to his level.
Have you prayed about this relationship? If I were you, I would seek God's guidance before I make the final plunge. Many homes in America are being wrecked by drink, and if I were a clean, Christian young woman, I would think twice before I marry a fellow who is an "elbow-bender."
My wife-to-be is holding up our final date for marriage over the matter of what is to be done about children we might have. She wants me to sign papers, giving her the right to raise them in her church. Are such papers legal?
Yes, such contracts are legally binding, and have been upheld in courts from time to time. This fact is not usually faced in time, and the custody of the children could even be given to someone else in the event of her death unless you fulfilled the terms of the contract.
The young lady evidently has strong convictions. Do you not have a positive faith? So often it is true that those with an indifferent attitude toward the Church are drawn into such an agreement that could well create problems in some distant future. You had better face the bold facts that a marriage that is not begun in harmony and agreement over such matters has little hope of long lasting happiness. Successful marriage must be based on something more than a romantic feeling.
