Friday, January 14, 2011
RelationshipsQ&A: "Blended Family: Should both parents parent all children or should each parent deal with their own biological child?"
Q and A is your opportunity to ask questions regarding the Bible, church, or just about anything regarding Christian faith and life. Submit questions on the response form in your bulletin or E-mail the Church Office. Yes to both questions – with some clarification… Typically, when parents ask this question, it is motivated by uncertainty as to how to handle discipline in particular. As a general rule, when it comes to discipline, each parent should take the lead when dealing with their own biological child. The primary reason for this is that any effective discipline must be anchored in relationship; otherwise, the goal of teaching will be greatly hindered. However, this is not at all to suggest that a stepparent is not involved in the process. Good communication between both parents, with an agreed upon and consistently followed plan, is what makes all the difference! Something else to consider, is the age of the child. When kids are still very young, it is usually much easier to establish relationship and a place of authority in their lives. If the kids are older, it’s going to take time for the stepparent to build that relationship, and thus, credibility with those kids. Be joyful; be patient; be tough (not harsh); don’t take their behavior personally; and persevere! It is also important for each biological parent to transfer authority to the other parent in the presence of the child. I recommend that this be done in a Family Meeting. This, by the way, isn’t all that unusual. Parents already do this (whether they realize it or not), more or less intentionally every time they introduce their child to a new teacher, coach, or someone else who will occupy a place of authority in their lives. If the child resists by saying something like, “You’re not my mom!” a stepmother may wisely and calmly respond in the following way: “I realize that I’m not your mother, and I will never try to take her very special place in your life. However, I am the “mom” of this home, which means that I have a responsibility to care for the needs of each person who lives here. It also means that I have a position of authority which I will not abuse, and which you must respect. If you choose to disobey me, you are disobeying your father, and thus, choosing a consequence.” Jon Sanné is a Presenter for the National Center for Biblical Parenting, and the Family Life Pastor at Calvary Chapel in Olympia, WA, where he has served for the past 16 years. He believes that the family is God’s training ground for both parents and children as they learn and grow together in everyday life. Although there is no such thing as a perfect parent, Jon will share how you can be asuccessful one! 
Blended Family: Should both parents parent all children or should each parent deal with their own biological child?
About the Author
Related Posts: Comments are closed for this post, but if you have spotted an error or have additional info that you
RelationshipsQ&A: "My ex-husband badmouths me, makes it hard for me to see my son, and makes it to the point that my son is scared to spend his 50% custody time with me. How do I deal with this?"
Q and A is your opportunity to ask questions regarding the Bible, church, or just about anything regarding Christian faith and life. Submit questions on the response form in your bulletin or E-mail the Church Office. First of all, let me say that there is good news for you, and you are not without hope in this difficult situation! Some of what I’ll recommend, you may already be doing, but hopefully, this will give you some encouragement and helpful insight. First, be reconciled to God. You cannot be rightly related to others until you are rightly related to God (2 Cor. 5:17-21). The reason for this is because your ability to love others depends on your ability to understand and receive God’s love (1 John 4:7-11, 20-21). You won’t have either the power or the desire to love someone who is mistreating you without the supernatural grace of God. Likewise, you won’t be able to be kind or forgive until you realize how much you have been forgiven in Christ (Eph. 4:32). Second, seek peace with your ex-husband. The Bible says, “As far as it depends on you, live at peace with all men” (Rom. 12:18). The implication here is that peace may not be possible sometimes with some people, simply because they are unwilling. However, as far as it depends onyou – seek to have a peaceable relationship with your ex. If you are doing anything to contribute to further hostility in the relationship, repent of that immediately, and begin to change the way you interact with him. Third, live a life that is above reproach. In other words, don’t give your ex-husband any reason to “bad-mouth” you. Of course, because of his own selfishness, pride, and unwillingness to forgive, he may continue to slander you, but just make sure that you don’t contribute to the problem by responding in foolish, angry and hurtful ways. Fourth, entrust your life and reputation to God. If Jesus “…made Himself of no reputation” (Phil. 2:5-8) then you and I should be willing to do the same. The Bible tells us that the reason Jesus endured shame and mistreatment was because of the joy and hope that something better was coming (Heb. 12:2-4)! His humility and suffering made our salvation and a new relationship with Him possible! The point is, sometimes God allows short-term suffering to accomplish long-term good (Rom. 8:28-29). Furthermore, if you are a Christian, you ought not to be surprised at trials when they come, but rather entrust your soul to your faithful Creator (1 Pet. 4:12-19) knowing that He will not only bring you through it faithfully, but reward you eternally! Fifth, remember that your son is also in God’s hands. If you’ve never done so, I recommend taking some time to read the story of Joseph’s life in the Old Testament (Gen. 39-50). There are manylessons to be learned from it, but one of the most encouraging is simply this: God was with Joseph! This young person went through the most extraordinary unfairness and mistreatment in his life, but God was with him through it all! Mother, don’t ever forget, God is with your little boy. Sixth, redeem the time and grow. Trials are for growing. Don’t waste this time. This is when your roots (faith) can go deeper, and your love (fruits) can grow stronger. None of us gets through life unscathed. I don’t know the specific lessons God may be trying to teach you, but I know this much – He loves you, and is teaching you something. Don’t miss it! Don’t let Satan discourage or distract you from simple trust in God. Embrace the trial, and glean every bit of character and faith you can out of it. You will be blessed, and so will your boy. Seventh, know your purpose and live with joy. Too many parents let others control how they feel about themselves, and intimidated about how they choose to parent their children. If you know your purpose and position in Christ, then nothing your ex-husband, or even the devil himself will ever do can steal your joy. This will go a long way to securing the heart of your boy as well. Spend your time in God’s Word and with God’s people, and you find God’s purposes being worked out in both you and your son, and you won’t be so easily manipulated. Eighth, resist the temptation to “return evil for evil”. One of the greatest gifts my single-mother gave me as a child was that she never “bad-mouthed” my dad. She forgave him, and taught me to love and respect him, learn from his mistakes, and pray for him. She simply “coached” me through life. She comforted me when I was sad. She corrected my when I was wrong. She taught me wisdom when I was confused. She kept her sense of humor, and never let me feel sorry for myself. I recommend you do the same. If you do, your son will eventually see the supremacy of a life lived for God. In the end, the truth will be evident, and you won’t have to worry about your reputation in the eyes of your child – or anyone else for that matter. Blessings, Pastor Jon Jon Sanné is a Presenter for the National Center for Biblical Parenting, and the Family Life Pastor at Calvary Chapel in Olympia, WA, where he has served for the past 16 years. He believes that the family is God’s training ground for both parents and children as they learn and grow together in everyday life. Although there is no such thing as a perfect parent, Jon will share how you can be asuccessful one! My ex-husband badmouths me, makes it hard for me to see my son, and makes it to the point that my son is scared to spend his 50% custody time with me. How do I deal with this?
About the Author
Related Posts:
RelationshipsQ&A: "How do you blend parenting styles that are different?"
Q and A is your opportunity to ask questions regarding the Bible, church, or just about anything regarding Christian faith and life. Submit questions on the response form in your bulletin or E-mail the Church Office. Actually, this is a typical challenge in any family, not just stepfamilies – and for a variety of good reasons. Here are several principles I think are especially important in this life-long growing process. Men and women are different by God’s design. Are you ready for this? Dads think like…men; Moms think like…women! Isn’t it funny how easily surprised we are by this little “discovery” in family life? Despite cultural pressure to persuade us otherwise, God actually made us different on purpose, and the sooner we embrace this little fact of life, the better off our families will be. For example, rather than getting frustrated with each other because one parent is more permissive,while the other is more restrictive, come together (regularly) to discuss ways you might strike abalance between parenting styles. In our family, I tend to be the one who is tougher, with higher expectations, while my wife is the gentler, and the more gracious of this “Dynamic Duo”. The truth is sometimes our kids need “toughness”, and other times, they need grace, so we are learning to appreciate our differences and allow each other the freedom to be who God made us to be. Part of how we embrace our differences is by becoming intentional about what we call “face time” with each other. That’s when she’s on one end of the couch, and I’m on the other. On average, it’s about once a week, and this is when we share, listen, plan and pray concerning the needs of our children. If we didn’t do this, our natural differences would confuse our kids, and drive us apart. By facing each other on a regular basis, we avoid sending “mixed messages” to our kids. One of the most common challenges stepfamilies face is divided loyalties. Obviously, it is going to be natural for each person in this “new” family to give their primary allegiance to those with whom they share a biological connection. Aside from biology, the simple reason for this is that the parent/child relationship preceded the marriage. It is critical, however, for the husband and wife to remain unifiedin their parenting plan, without neglecting their child in the process. Although it’s natural for parents to feel protective of their own children, they won’t be doing their kids any favors if they begin to undermine their new spouse. If this marriage is going to last, it must be top priority, and this must bereassuringly communicated and demonstrated to all the children in this family. The truth is, most people are unprepared for the transition of blending two families, and thus, unrealistic in their expectations. It’s helpful to keep in mind that stepfamilies are born out of loss. This means, that there very well may be, especially for the children, a prolonged season of sadness, grief, and even anger. The reason for this is because when parents remarry, it is yet another loss for the child – at least in their understanding of things. That parent, who is now experiencing the joy of a newfound love, is often blinded by how threatened this can make their child feel. After all, that child is now losing, at least to some degree, the attention of their only remaining parent. It is common, but often puzzling, for these “seasons” of emotional distress to come and go. Often a child will seem to be okay, even excited about the new relationship…until the marriage actually takes place. All of sudden (it seems) they become antagonistic toward their new stepmom or dad, causing confusion for everyone. This is natural, because, until that point, secretly, the child is holding out hope that their mom and dad just might get back together. It’s unrealistic for parents trying to blend two families to expect their children not to go through some significant emotional struggles. The point is, sometimes the challenges that you face may not have as much to do with your different parenting styles, as is does unrealistic expectations. Anytime we drift away from God’s original design, we should expect a natural and necessary process of grieving and adjustment. Be patient. Some experts say that this process, depending on a variety of different factors, may take 5-7 years. Each person, along with their unique personality, perspective, and past are, in a sense, “tossed” together into this new mixture called a “stepfamily”. Without some patience and flexibility on everyone’s part, there will be a very real temptation to lose hope and give up. Note: None of this means that your stepfamily is destined to fail, or that you and your children cannot heal, grow, and move forward in life experiencing God’s blessing. It just means that you need to berealistic about how long it will take to form healthy new relationships of trust. Because of past hurts and failures, both parents and children in a stepfamily will have a tendency to be guarded, even fearful, especially in the beginning of this new family arrangement. As a result, honest, open, and loving communication will be another one of the great challenges in family life. Parents must take the lead in this area as well, demonstrating gentleness, courage, and humility toward the other family members. Be patient in the process, but vigilant as well. Good communication is paramount if stepfamilies are to succeed. Remember, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear” (1 John 4:18). Finally, I do recommend and excellent resource entitled, The Smart Stepfamily, by Ron Deal. You should also check out their website: www.successfulstepfamilies.com Jon Sanné is a Presenter for the National Center for Biblical Parenting, and the Family Life Pastor at Calvary Chapel in Olympia, WA, where he has served for the past 16 years. He believes that the family is God’s training ground for both parents and children as they learn and grow together in everyday life. Although there is no such thing as a perfect parent, Jon will share how you can be asuccessful one! How do you blend parenting styles that are different?
a. Accept and embrace your differences.
b. Be unified.
c. Be realistic.
d. Be open.
About the Author
Related Posts:
RelationshipsQ&A: "Role of stepfather: How can a wife encourage and support her new husband, when parenting styles differ?"
Q and A is your opportunity to ask questions regarding the Bible, church, or just about anything regarding Christian faith and life. Submit questions on the response form in your bulletin or E-mail the Church Office. The Scripture has some very specific things to say about the wife’s attitude and role in family life that I believe will be helpful in this specific situation. The Bible teaches that the basic role of a wife toward her husband is that of being his helper (Gen. 2:18), and the basic attitudes are to be those of submission, gentleness, respect, and trusting God (Eph. 5:22, 33; 1 Pet. 3:1-6). Sadly, these ideas today are often resented, and dismissed as “out of date” or somehow demeaning toward women. Briefly, let me just say that nothing could be further from the truth! Dear wives…please make sure that your understanding of your role in family life is informed by the truth in God’s Word, not by the prevailing opinions of the Godless culture around us. Far from demeaning women, the Bible, and Jesus Himself, has done more to exalt and celebrate the value and role of women than anything or anyone else in history. I begin with this point simply because many frustrated wives today have never taken the time to seek the Lord regarding what He has to say about being a godly wife and mother. Please study this subject for yourself in the Bible. I also recommend that you discuss any doubts or troubling questions you may have with a mature Christian whose marriage you respect. I believe you will discover that you don’t have to be afraid of your God-given role. It is position of enormous dignity, value, and influence! Furthermore, the need for faithful wives and mothers has never been greater. Tragically, an entire generation has grown up in the past few decades without many examples of godly wives and mothers. I pray that you are willing to embrace and fulfill this high and holy calling; if you do, your children will bless you, your husband will praise you, and God Himself will reward you eternally (Proverbs 31:28-30; Matt. 25:23; 3Jn. 4). So, what does it mean to embrace your role? Building upon the principles mentioned above, keep in mind two things. First God refers to Himself as a Helper (Psalm 121:1-2; John 14:26) – so, far from being inferior, you are in “good company” and much-needed! Second, because God is our Helper, we can learn from His example. In other words, if you want to know how you can best help your husband, just consider the ways that God helps you, and note His attitude toward you in the process. Have you ever considered, for example, how patient the Lord is with you? What about the fact that He doesn’t manipulate or try and coerce you into changing? He sees your need; He takes initiative; He is willing to serve and sacrifice; He does it with a good attitude; He communicates regularly, and does so clearly, not in “code”; He doesn’t have expectations; He doesn’t feel sorry for Himself; He chooses to love unconditionally, and does so with joy, having your best in mind. This, of course, is an impossible act to follow, if not for the fact that the Holy Spirit Himself has promised to be your Helper! I realize, in this day and age, this particular point may sound like “fingernails on a chalkboard” to some. However, as already mentioned, though I have compassion for those who’ve been mistreated, this kind of response is rooted more in cultural thinking than biblical thinking. A good working-definition of submission for wives that lines up with the truths in Scripture is simply this: to live with your husband in such a way that you make it a joy for him to love and serve you. “Now, wait a minute…” some might say… “You’re assuming that my husband wants to love and serve me – which he most definitely does not!” Sadly, sometimes this is true. However, as far as it depends on you, this is your role before God. Your husband is also accountable to God for his role. The apostle Peter instructs wives in the area of submission as well (1 Pet. 3:1-6), but adds a few other principles, and one of them is, gentleness. Wives are to have a quiet spirit of gentleness about them. Again, many wives have all sorts of “reasons” (justifications) as to why they do not have agentle spirit toward their husbands, but the clear instruction to those who profess a love for the Lord is that they be gentle. Admittedly, this can be a difficult test of faith for some, who are frustrated with their husband’s parenting skills, or lack thereof. However, harsh words, a critical spirit, nagging, whining, or complaining, only exacerbate the problem. Ask the Lord to give you a spirit of gentleness that pleases Him, and to fill your mind with that which is “…excellent…and praiseworthy” (Phil. 4:8). With practice, and ultimate trust in God, this will become part of your character. Wives, hear me on this: there are few things more discouraging, and potentially, devastating to husbands than disrespect from their wives. Tragically, some bitter wives maintain that their husband isn’t worthy of respect! That kind of woman destroys not only her marriage, but her legacy and her children’s future as well. Note: Clearly, the person who asked this particular parenting question doesn’t have this problem, otherwise, she wouldn’t be interested in knowing how to support and encourage her husband! However, disrespect usually doesn’t become a prevailing attitude in a marriage overnight. It creeps in subtly, over time, because of pride, as a sinful response to repeated disappointment, hurt, and unmet expectations. The best antidotes to this problem are forgiveness, gratitude, and humility. Humble, thankful, forgiving people have no problem showing respect toward others – even when it seems undeserving. The reason is simple: they know how much they are forgiven by God in Christ (Eph. 4:32). Intimidating as it may be for women to read Proverbs 31, I personally recommend that you do it regularly! It’s there for your instruction and blessing. Much of the burden that parents carry today in family life is simply due to the fact that in our ignorance we do foolish things! Proverbs is literally aparenting manual. I’ve heard it said, more than once concerning the challenge of raising children, “It’s not like they give you a parenting manual when you have kids!” Actually, that’s not true…read Proverbs! It speaks to many relevant topics, such as: communication, work, planning, discipline, friendship, integrity, wise vs. foolish behavior, sexual morality, anger, finances, etc. On a practical level, here is how wisdom might guide you to interact with your husband on parenting issues. The Scripture reminds us over and over, as Christians, that we are to “Pray without ceasing” (1 Thess. 5:17). Make it a matter of daily urgent prayer to go before the Lord on behalf of your husband. This is, perhaps, the greatest gift of support and encouragement you could ever give to him. What a privilege and responsibility you have to pray! You have access to Almighty God Himself! Don’t underestimate the power of prayer or your family’s need for it. Pray with your husband and for him regularly, and include your children in the process from time to time as well. Spiritual battles require spiritual resources, and family life in a fallen world is a spiritual battle – you can be sure of that! Remember, however, if you are a Christian, you don’t fight for victory; you fight from victory. That is to say, in Christ, you have every advantage over your spiritual enemy, Satan! Persevere, and you will reap a good harvest in due season if you do not give up (Gal. 6:9)! Jon Sanné is a Presenter for the National Center for Biblical Parenting, and the Family Life Pastor at Calvary Chapel in Olympia, WA, where he has served for the past 16 years. He believes that the family is God’s training ground for both parents and children as they learn and grow together in everyday life. Although there is no such thing as a perfect parent, Jon will share how you can be asuccessful one! Role of stepfather: How can a wife encourage and support her new husband, when parenting styles differ?
Embrace your role
Be his helper
Be submissive
Be gentle
Be respectful
Be wise
Pray for your husband
About the Author
Related Posts:
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)