Q and A is your opportunity to ask questions regarding the Bible, church, or just about anything regarding Christian faith and life. Submit questions on the response form in your bulletin or E-mail the Church Office.
How Do You Carry Over Consistency at the Other Parent's Home?
I think one of the hardest things for any single-parent to accept, is the fact that you simply don’t have control over much of what happens while your children are staying with your ex. Having said this, it doesn’t mean that you don’t have influence. This is where your faithful instruction and example come into play. While it is true that you should always be aware of the potential effect of a bad example, don’t underestimate the power of a good example!
Over time, if your children are trained well in your care, they will come to see and appreciate the “benefits” of living in your home. One of those benefits is boundaries. Don’t be deterred from setting reasonable, consistent boundaries. They define your children’s freedom, and provide them with much-needed security. Warning: even good boundaries and reasonable discipline will produce frustrated kids if not established in the context of loving relationship.
What this means is, you must work hard to connect with your kids in meaningful ways each day. I know that this is a real challenge, but it is a sacrifice worth making, and it may be simpler than you might imagine. It’s the little everyday things that matter to a kid. Here are some examples:
- Talk with them, and listen without being critical.
- Hold them, and show tender affection.
- Make meals together (doesn’t have to be elaborate), and don’t make a big deal of “messes”.
- Enjoy and laugh with your children (life was hard for us growing up, but that’s another “gift” my mother gave us kids – she kept her sense of humor).
- Read the Bible to them at bedtime, pray together, and tuck them in.
- Have “family nights” each week or once a month where you play games, make cookies or pop-corn, and watch movies with good, redemptive themes.
- Do NOT “bad-mouth” the other parent, but DO “coach” your child (patiently) through life. Let them know (without being defensive) why you do things the way you do, but always speakrespectfully of the other parent. Don’t saddle your child with your emotional pain.
- Maintain and on-going dialogue about the Lord in everyday life without sounding “preachy” – simply acknowledge God in the things you do, and take time to thank Him regularly.
- With older kids especially, step into their “world” and do things they enjoy, without violating righteous boundaries.
The bottom line is this: if you are a delight to be around, and your home is a safe, secure, and peaceful place with an atmosphere of joy, then you won’t have to worry as much about the influence that the people or atmosphere in the other home is having on your child. The way to recognize a “counterfeit” is to become more familiar with that which is genuine. Give your child the gifts of peace and joy. Make your home a place where your child experiences genuine love and freedom within acceptable, righteous boundaries, and they won’t be easily led astray by the things that are less than God’s best. It’s all about relationship.
Finally, persevere in prayer for your child, and never forget that God is with them. Take time to read the story of Joseph (Genesis 37-50) and be reminded that many people that God ultimately uses in a special way just happen to grow up in less than ideal circumstances. There’s no doubt about it, parenting is definitely a faith journey, and God is in control. There’s a reason we call Him“Redeemer”.
P.S. The above response, in some ways, assumes that the other parent is un-cooperative or even antagonistic toward your efforts as a Christian parent. I’ve written from this perspective simply because, sadly, this is often the case. However, to be fair, it is not always this way – thankfully. In cases where your ex-spouse is willing to cooperate, it is always wise and preferable to try and work out a basic approach to parenting that you both can agree upon. This plan should include how you handle discipline, responsibilities in the home (chores), and things like entertainment, friends, and privileges. I recommend an excellent resource by Ron Deal, entitled – The Smart Stepfamily. Check out his website: www.successfulstepfamilies.com. It is FULL of excellent, practical ideas on how to make life and transitions smoother for your child as they share time in each home.
