After the Children Are Grown
Recently I have become troubled over the fact that my daughter does not confide in me. Right now I know she is planning marriage, but has not told me. Shall I insist on her telling me such things or shall I wait?
If you have lost the confidence of your daughter, it is almost too late to regain it. You have forgotten that she has been growing up and is an adult. You have probably treated her and her problems as being unimportant or as you did when she was a child. Parents lose the full confidence of their children through a lack of sympathy and understanding more than anything else. Most likely you forgot to be interested in her growing love for the man she intends to marry, and you probably forgot that he was becoming a man and no longer a boy. If you can make her understand that you are interested in her problems without becoming a judge and critic, you might regain some of the trust you have lost. It is too late to instruct a young woman about the choice of a husband when she falls in love. It must be done before then. Then don't forget that in our frequent human failures, we can always call upon the Lord for special wisdom and understanding. God is concerned with your problems and if you desire all things to be for His glory, He can undo for you something that has been done.
We have a seventeen-year-old daughter who has fallen in love with a low-type fellow, and she insists that she is going to marry him. Our hearts will be broken if she weds beneath her class. Can you tell us what to do?
May I remind you that there are two things that parents often have little control over, especially after they happen. We have little control over our children's falling in love. Second, we often have little control over whom they fall in love with. I can well understand your distress of mind, but let us examine your question a bit and see if perhaps you are not jumping at conclusions.
First of all, what do you mean by a "low-type" fellow? Do you mean that he lives on the "wrong side of the tracks"? Do you regret this affair just because he is of a different social status than your family? Sometimes even princes and kings marry commoners. The prince of the royal family of Japan married a tradesman's daughter, and everyone seemed happy about it. It seems to me that you are more concerned that your daughter marry "in her class" than you are about the character of this young man. You should be more concerned about him being a Christian, and whether he is honest and understanding. I know many young men with social standing who would make poor husbands.
On the other hand, your daughter seems a bit young to be thinking of marriage. You should counsel her to be sure this is God's choice for her life — also encourage her to wait at least two years. This time period may help you and her.
My daughter married a man I never liked. I do not approve of him, and he is hateful to me. What can be done in a situation like this?
The young man is now your son-in-law. You must accept him as your daughter's husband. The choice was made by your daughter, and if you love her you must accept her choice, otherwise you will be separated from her. You must accept him in love and understanding.
You have no other choice lest you lose your daughter's affection. Keep your prejudices to yourself. Pray that they may be happy. Perform little acts of helpfulness and kindliness for the young folks. If you accept Christ and then lead your young people to Him; an unlikely person as you believe your son-in-law to be can become the best of men.
My husband and I have been Christians for many years. We have a daughter who is past thirty years and is still at home with us. She helps around the house but has no plans for the future. What is our responsibility?
Evidently she has not learned that some time we must all assume the role of an adult and accept responsibility. No doubt your Christian kindness and consideration has been outstanding but you have failed in discipline, at least in some areas. I think a very direct talk with her, in the presence of your pastor or someone she respects. Make it clear that you have fulfilled your part of the responsibility in preparing her for life but that she must make a decision to step out on her own with the help of the Lord. Her problem is one of a lack of self-confidence. If you can give her such confidence in her God-given talents and in the guidance and provision of God, you will help her win one of life's great battles. The longer she tarries, the more difficult the break will be. An easy transition would be to secure employment away from home for a time and then be completely on her own. Perhaps she is too concerned about what you will do without her. Assure her that you can manage.
I have two grown-up sons. One of my daughters-in-law has a terribly jealous and possessive nature. She resents our son coming to visit us and scarcely ever allows us to see their child. This is a great grief to my husband and myself. What can we do?
The key to this unhappy situation really lies in the hands of your son. In my opinion he ought to have taken a firm hand in the matter at the start and not have allowed his wife to dictate to him in this matter.
The Bible teaches that the husband is the head of the wife and that the wife is to be in subjection to her husband (Ephesians 5:22, 23). In the case of your son and daughter-in-law, the positions seem to have been reversed.
It is unfortunate that your son should ever have married a woman of this antisocial type; but since nothing can alter that now, I can only advise you to point out to him how keenly you and your husband feel the situation and urge him to assert his authority in his own home.
At the same time you will not, I am sure, wish to impose any strain on his relations with his wife or create friction between them. Maybe he is happy with this woman, and I hope the child is also happy and well cared for.
As you have opportunity, show to your daughter-in-law all possible kindness and consideration. Let her feel that you have no desire to take her husband and child from her and be on your guard lest a jealous and possessive spirit should spoil your own life. Pray that the love of God may break all barriers down and unite you all in love for Him and one another.
I am a Christian widow and mother of seven children. My daughter has married a man who has been married three times before. I feel that she walked into sin with her eyes open. Can I allow him to come to my house, and should I accept him into my home and heart. How can I do this?
You didn't mention the circumstances surrounding this man's previous marriages, but we will assume that he is a divorcé. There are three things that I would like to say to you in regard to this situation:
First, the die is cast — your daughter is married to this man, and whatever you do can't change that. It is probably not the situation you had wanted for your daughter, but unfortunately we parents cannot always plan our children's lives.
Second, it is possible that this man has never had contact with a real Christian. You must give him that privilege, and it is altogether possible that you may be able to lead him to Christ, if you try. He has probably suffered a great deal in his many marriages, and stands in need of the strength and forgiveness Christ can give.
Third, it is not Christian to shun sinners. Jesus ate with publicans and sinners, and we are not nearly as good as Him. By all means, treat him kindly, and it is possible that you can help him and your daughter to build a Christian home.
Please advise me in this difficulty. I am a Christian, a widow, and my son who is finishing his residency in surgery has decided to go as a medical missionary. Should I try to keep him from wasting his life and talents?
You should be thankful to God that you have a son who has felt the call to the mission field. Far from wasting his life and talents, he will be using them probably as he could never do in this country. It has been my privilege to visit many mission fields and I have found that missionaries are the finest ambassadors America has abroad. But, far more important, Christian missionaries are taking the message of Christ and His love and saving grace to peoples who need it, just as we do in America. Christ tells us that "whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it." By this He means that a life spent for self is a wasted life while one spent for others is one spent according to His will. I can well realize that you anticipate separation from your son with a great sense of loss.
Let me urge you to consider it an honor that he feels God's call to serve on the mission field. He will not make much money but he will help people who otherwise will not be helped, and best of all, he will tell them of the Christ Who alone is the hope of the world. I once met a missionary who was living in primitive conditions and working under most adverse circumstances. But he was one of the happiest people I have ever met. He was following God's will for his life and God was using him to win souls to Christ. That is the greatest joy in this world.
