Saturday, January 8, 2011

Q&A: Role of stepfather: How can a wife encourage and support her new husband, when parenting styles differ?

Q and A is your opportunity to ask questions regarding the Bible, church, or just about anything regarding Christian faith and life. Submit questions on the response form in your bulletin or E-mail the Church Office.

Role of stepfather: How can a wife encourage and support her new husband, when parenting styles differ?

The Scripture has some very specific things to say about the wife’s attitude and role in family life that I believe will be helpful in this specific situation.

Embrace your role

The Bible teaches that the basic role of a wife toward her husband is that of being his helper (Gen. 2:18), and the basic attitudes are to be those of submission, gentleness, respect, and trusting God (Eph. 5:22, 33; 1 Pet. 3:1-6).  Sadly, these ideas today are often resented, and dismissed as “out of date” or somehow demeaning toward women.  Briefly, let me just say that nothing could be further from the truth!  Dear wives…please make sure that your understanding of your role in family life is informed by the truth in God’s Word, not by the prevailing opinions of the Godless culture around us.  Far from demeaning women, the Bible, and Jesus Himself, has done more to exalt and celebrate the value and role of women than anything or anyone else in history. 

I begin with this point simply because many frustrated wives today have never taken the time to seek the Lord regarding what He has to say about being a godly wife and mother.  Please study this subject for yourself in the Bible.  I also recommend that you discuss any doubts or troubling questions you may have with a mature Christian whose marriage you respect.  I believe you will discover that you don’t have to be afraid of your God-given role.  It is position of enormous dignity, value, and influence!  Furthermore, the need for faithful wives and mothers has never been greater.  Tragically, an entire generation has grown up in the past few decades without many examples of godly wives and mothers.  I pray that you are willing to embrace and fulfill this high and holy calling; if you do, your children will bless you, your husband will praise you, and God Himself will reward you eternally (Proverbs 31:28-30; Matt. 25:23; 3Jn. 4). 

So, what does it mean to embrace your role? 

Be his helper

Building upon the principles mentioned above, keep in mind two things.  First God refers to Himself as a Helper (Psalm 121:1-2; John 14:26) – so, far from being inferior, you are in “good company” and much-needed!  Second, because God is our Helper, we can learn from His example.  In other words, if you want to know how you can best help your husband, just consider the ways that God helps you, and note His attitude toward you in the process. 

Have you ever considered, for example, how patient the Lord is with you?  What about the fact that He doesn’t manipulate or try and coerce you into changing?  He sees your need; He takes initiative; He is willing to serve and sacrifice; He does it with a good attitude; He communicates regularly, and does so clearly, not in “code”; He doesn’t have expectations; He doesn’t feel sorry for Himself; He chooses to love unconditionally, and does so with joy, having your best in mind.  This, of course, is an impossible act to follow, if not for the fact that the Holy Spirit Himself has promised to be your Helper!

Be submissive

I realize, in this day and age, this particular point may sound like “fingernails on a chalkboard” to some.  However, as already mentioned, though I have compassion for those who’ve been mistreated, this kind of response is rooted more in cultural thinking than biblical thinking.  A good working-definition of submission for wives that lines up with the truths in Scripture is simply this: to live with your husband in such a way that you make it a joy for him to love and serve you.  “Now, wait a minute…” some might say… “You’re assuming that my husband wants to love and serve me – which he most definitely does not!”  Sadly, sometimes this is true.  However, as far as it depends on you, this is your role before God.  Your husband is also accountable to God for his role.

Be gentle

The apostle Peter instructs wives in the area of submission as well (1 Pet. 3:1-6), but adds a few other principles, and one of them is, gentleness.  Wives are to have a quiet spirit of gentleness about them.  Again, many wives have all sorts of “reasons” (justifications) as to why they do not have agentle spirit toward their husbands, but the clear instruction to those who profess a love for the Lord is that they be gentle.  Admittedly, this can be a difficult test of faith for some, who are frustrated with their husband’s parenting skills, or lack thereof.  However, harsh words, a critical spirit, nagging, whining, or complaining, only exacerbate the problem.  Ask the Lord to give you a spirit of gentleness that pleases Him, and to fill your mind with that which is “…excellent…and praiseworthy” (Phil. 4:8).  With practice, and ultimate trust in God, this will become part of your character.       

Be respectful

Wives, hear me on this: there are few things more discouraging, and potentially, devastating to husbands than disrespect from their wives.  Tragically, some bitter wives maintain that their husband isn’t worthy of respect!  That kind of woman destroys not only her marriage, but her legacy and her children’s future as well. 

Note: Clearly, the person who asked this particular parenting question doesn’t have this problem, otherwise, she wouldn’t be interested in knowing how to support and encourage her husband! 

However, disrespect usually doesn’t become a prevailing attitude in a marriage overnight.  It creeps in subtly, over time, because of pride, as a sinful response to repeated disappointment, hurt, and unmet expectations.  The best antidotes to this problem are forgiveness, gratitude, and humility.  Humble, thankful, forgiving people have no problem showing respect toward others – even when it seems undeserving.  The reason is simple: they know how much they are forgiven by God in Christ (Eph. 4:32).

Be wise

Intimidating as it may be for women to read Proverbs 31, I personally recommend that you do it regularly!  It’s there for your instruction and blessing.  Much of the burden that parents carry today in family life is simply due to the fact that in our ignorance we do foolish things!  Proverbs is literally aparenting manual.  I’ve heard it said, more than once concerning the challenge of raising children, “It’s not like they give you a parenting manual when you have kids!”  Actually, that’s not true…read Proverbs!  It speaks to many relevant topics, such as: communication, work, planning, discipline, friendship, integrity, wise vs. foolish behavior, sexual morality, anger, finances, etc.

On a practical level, here is how wisdom might guide you to interact with your husband on parenting issues. 

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        1. Consider your timing.  Is this the best time to discuss the issues?  Sometimes, communication breaks down early in the process simply because it’s just not the best time.  If you “hit your husband at the door” with every problem of the day, don’t be surprised if you meet some resistance!  I strongly recommend that you carve out some “face-time” in your schedule.  It might be on the couch after the kids go to bed or over coffee while the kids are at home with a babysitter.  The point is you must make the time to address the needs of your children, your marriage, and your respective roles.
        2. Consider your tone.  Are you harsh, angry, whining, nagging, complaining, or just plain feeling sorry for yourself?  These things can put a man on the defensive right away.  Remember, gentleness and respectis much more honoring, relationship-building, and productive in the long-run.
        3. Get some practical help.  There are tons of good parenting resources available these days to help weary, confused, and puzzled parents!  I highly recommend the book The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal.  Check out his website: www.successfulstepfamilies.com.  Without a solid parenting plan, you will lack confidence, motivation, and direction in family life.  You need to work together and equip yourselves on how to handle such things as: discipline, freedoms and privileges, daily routines and chores, forms of entertainment, character training, friends, transitions between homes for visitation, dealing with new extendedfamily, etc.
        4. Accept your differences.  The fact that your parenting styles differ is not necessarily a bad thing.  In fact, much of this is by God’s design!  You are made to complement each other (Gen. 2:18) – not clone each other!  Remember, you have different roles, not to mention personalities, so be careful that you aren’t expecting your husband to parent as if he’s a mom!  Dads are going to approach things differently than moms do and as long as they aren’t doing things that are sinful, then you can relax and just let him be “Dad”. 
        5. Reassure your biological child.  Remember that stepfamilies are born out of loss, and your child will need regular assurance that he or she isn’t going to lose your attention and love simply because you have remarried.  As they become secure in your steadfast commitment to them, they will be more comfortable with the idea of allowing your new husband to have a place in their life.  Indirectly, this is a significant encouragement to your husband as well as he seeks to earn the trust of your child.
        6. Transfer authority to your husband.  Make sure that you help your child to know that your husband is going to have a role in their lives, much like a trusted teacher, coach, or family friend.  Make sure they understand that he’s not going to try to take the place of their biological father, but he will function as the “father of this house”.  As such, you will require them to show honor and respect toward him.  If they disobey him, they essentially are choosing to disobey you, and thus you will deal with it as such, following through swiftly, fairly, and consistently with a consequence.  You might even say to them something like, “You don’t ever have to experience that consequence…unless you choose to.”
        7. Communicate & model unity in your marriage.  One of the common challenges stepfamilies face is that of divided loyalties.  For kids, there is a tendency to fear that their parent will stop loving or caring for them the way that they always have.  They may feel like they have been replaced, not to mention how unsettling it can be for them to realize that any hope they may have had for mom and dad getting back together is no longer possible.  The temptation then is for them to undermine the marriage through various forms of manipulation.  As a mother, it will be very important for you to communicate your allegiance to your new husband.  Be as gentle as possible, as firm as necessary.  You won’t be doing your kids any favors if you allow them to cause division in this new union.
        8. Nurture your personal walk with Christ.  Jesus said, “Apart from Me, you can do nothing” (John 15:5).  This is, by far, the most neglected of all family priorities!  You cannot afford NOT to spend time daily with God in His Word and prayer.  God promises to bless faithfulness.  Don’t let pride, unbelief, mixed-up priorities, or the influence of others keep you from growing spiritually.  Scripture encourages us, teaching, “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength” (Phil. 4:13).  I believe that includes being a successful stepfamily!

Pray for your husband

The Scripture reminds us over and over, as Christians, that we are to “Pray without ceasing” (1 Thess. 5:17).  Make it a matter of daily urgent prayer to go before the Lord on behalf of your husband.  This is, perhaps, the greatest gift of support and encouragement you could ever give to him.  What a privilege and responsibility you have to pray!  You have access to Almighty God Himself!  Don’t underestimate the power of prayer or your family’s need for it.  Pray with your husband and for him regularly, and include your children in the process from time to time as well.  Spiritual battles require spiritual resources, and family life in a fallen world is a spiritual battle – you can be sure of that!  Remember, however, if you are a Christian, you don’t fight for victory; you fight from victory.  That is to say, in Christ, you have every advantage over your spiritual enemy, Satan!  Persevere, and you will reap a good harvest in due season if you do not give up (Gal. 6:9)!

About the Author

Jon Sanné is a Presenter for the National Center for Biblical Parenting, and the Family Life Pastor at Calvary Chapel in Olympia, WA, where he has served for the past 16 years.  He believes that the family is God’s training ground for both parents and children as they learn and grow together in everyday life.  Although there is no such thing as a perfect parent, Jon will share how you can be asuccessful one!

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